The Shame Trauma Response
You are not what happened to you. You are who you choose to become.
Most of my clients carry around shame that doesn’t belong to them. Shame that was never theirs to carry. It breaks my heart every single time I hear a client share their “shameful” secret. My heart breaks because they’ve believed the lie that what happened to them was their fault.
It wasn’t.
I'm heavily invested in helping my clients learn — and believe — that they never caused or deserved what happened to them. I'm invested in helping them learn how to let go of the guilt and shame that was never theirs and place it back where it rightfully belongs: with the person or people who caused the pain.
My personal mission is simple: to create world peace to the best of my ability through the use of my healing gifts. And shame… shame is one of the biggest barriers to peace I’ve ever seen.
Shame tells you you are bad. Guilt tells you you did something bad. One says, “You ARE the problem.” The other says, “You MADE a mistake.” Most of my clients aren’t carrying guilt. They’re carrying shame that was handed to them by someone else. And they’ve been holding it for so long, they think it’s theirs.
Shame doesn’t always show up with flashing lights. It sneaks in through a slammed door, a slap, a sideways comment. It’s handed down in households that silence children, in churches that punish curiosity, in relationships where love is conditional. Many of my clients were taught to feel ashamed simply for existing.
“I should’ve known better.”
“I must’ve done something to deserve it.”
“If I tell anyone, they’ll see how disgusting I really am.”
These are not thoughts people are born with. They’re beliefs planted by abuse. And they fester in silence.
The biggest lie abuse teaches us is that we caused it. That if we were smarter, quieter, more agreeable — it wouldn’t have happened. But here’s the truth: abuse is never about the person being hurt. It’s about the one doing the hurting. The lie protects the abuser. And it poisons the soul of the survivor.
I've worked with many clients who never told another living soul about their “shameful secret.” It’s often too much for them to say it out loud to me. So I have them whisper it into one of my horses’ ears instead. I don’t need to be the one to hear it — but it does need to be spoken out loud to another living being. It needs to be witnessed and heard without judgment. When a secret is spoken out loud, it becomes real. And what’s real can be healed.
That’s the part people fear the most — making it real. Because once it’s real, you can’t hide from it anymore. You have to face it. But facing it is exactly what starts the healing.
This isn’t just woo — there’s real science behind why speaking shame aloud is so powerful. When you say something out loud — even as a whisper — it shifts how your brain processes it. It activates the part of your brain that makes meaning, that understands language, that helps you make sense of things. In that moment, your truth moves out of the trauma center of your brain — the part that only knows fear — and into the part that can process and heal.
What was once just pain becomes something your nervous system can start to metabolize. Those shame loops — the ones that play in the background on repeat — start to lose their grip. And when your truth is met without judgment — even by a horse — your body gets the message: I’m safe now. It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to heal. That’s when your nervous system finally exhales.
The horses and I care deeply — but we don’t judge. And there’s a big difference. Being witnessed without judgment is powerful. When a client starts to release the shame they’ve carried for years, the horses often step in closer. No fixing. No pressure. Just presence. And sometimes, presence is the most healing thing in the world.
Letting go of shame isn’t an intellectual process — it’s a full-body exhale. It’s crying in a round pen while a horse stands beside you, holding space. It’s grieving what was lost and getting angry about what was never fair. It’s choosing — again and again — to believe that you were never the problem.
This is how we create world peace — one nervous system at a time. Because people who are no longer carrying shame they didn’t earn… They stop the cycle. They become safe to themselves and others. They speak truth. They parent differently. They partner differently. They lead differently. And from there, the ripples spread farther than we’ll ever be able to measure.
If reading this stirred something inside you… If you’ve been carrying a weight that was never yours… Send me a message. You don’t have to tell me your story right away. You don’t have to say it perfectly. But you can take that first step toward setting it down. I’m here for you — I swear.
Huge love,
Jennifer Malocha 🥰